Written by Prim on 08/09/2023
‘This wood is not for turning’
‘Maggie not Colin’
Has anyone got any change for the jukebox. By crumbly, if I had a banana for every time someone asked me that, I’d have a lovely bunch of coconuts by June.
Aye thank you Basil Rathbone.
Meantime, grrr, on a random fold of crispy lettuce, let’s have a wrinkle of: What’s Getting On My Nose, Up My Goat and Around My Wick Around My Wick harking back to ye olde That Was The Week, What a Week! Days. Whereby, this scratched me doo-dah’s this morning…
…there I was idling my own business ambling on the tolerant side of the street, when innocently I looked at this bloke’s wood he had set out on a stool. Nurse. Turns out he make things out if wood, by turning wood, as he so casually wafted unto the conversation. I turn wood, he says. In his shed too. He’s a wood turner. Oh nice, interesting. He’s got a knack for it. Cool. Only took it up when he was 65. Wow. His boss rocked up one day in a Lamborghini. He paid for that Lamborghini, he surmised prizing that bitter thorn achingly from his soul. Sod that he thought. He met a bloke at a fair who was demonstrating wood turning, oh really, how interesting, did you buy some beans too. Was a natural he was, wasn’t he, of course he was, wasn’t I wife, he yells, yes dear, rippled a tired cuckoo from behind a decorative kitchen clock. I searched for the aged rasp and found a sorrowful figure etched in mercy peeping from behind the clock face. Had a knack for it, so I did. He still has a perfectly sculpted acorn he made back in 19 O’ chocolate… Take me now, tweeted a faint cuckoo-call. Take me with you I telepathically murmured. A simple lathe, that’s all it is. Ok Colin, turn it in now, enough’s enough, echoed my mantra. I do them all in my shed. You said Colin. Only go to a couple of fairs a month. Is that right, you boring old woman. Stop talking, please. This fella saw these eggs, he gestured to a bowl of egg shaped eggs the size of eggs sat precariously balanced in a bowl made by Colin, which only ten minutes ago looked great to me, now I wondered if he could eat 50 of those wood turned egg shaped like eggs. No one can eat 50 eggs, I thought (name that film). Usually £3.00 for one or £5.00 for 3, he bought 9, I like that start to a morning. I’ll need to call the police. One piece of wood. That’s all it is you know. Kill me now, continued the mantra. I make them all in my shed. No, kill him now. I’ve only an hour’s free parking. He says you’ve done this before, the fella at the fair. Life isn’t fair, one of us is going to die soon. Do them all in my shed. I’m gonna do you in your shed. Run fool, run, and bolt I did before mis was chieved. And fast as my flip flops could take me I escaped to the park. A care worker in charge of troubled kids is yapping on about how lovely the weather is and why do they have to wear thick cotton t shirts, while in Australia and New Zealand they get to wear thin cotton ones all year round and grow up with lovely tans. Aaarrrggghhh. A man walks past in full winter’s jacket longs boots scarf and beanie. It’s the hottest day of the year. Further on an old fella in a pair of shorts is sat reading on a camping chair with a fishing rod cast down a small hill. Not a drop of water in sight, just a grassy verge. I only wanted to mention I met Colin who turned out to be a right git, now I’m harping on like …Oh great Celestial teeth in the high sky, please help me now… BASTARDS!
However, easing on the angle that is Sweet Love…
… I’m a creature of habit. Sandwiches. Corned beef and cheese with salad. Paint walls, brush. Aye back on the tools, I must be cursed. But it’s a habit you see. Radio 6 for tuneage, Radio 4 for talk and Talk Sport for sport’s talk, sometimes ham and chicken… but hold the mayo… the great yellow ball in the sky is making an appearance and needs saluting… in the car, windows down, blaring tunes… Hold tight, You’ve got the music in you, Don’t let go, You’ve got the music in you, One dance left, This world is gonna pull through… Don’t give up…, the news comes on, ‘…our B population is in danger of being wiped out by aliens…’ and for a second I really thought it’s finally happened and am completely unperturbed. But who are these B population?
On that note bzzz, it’s time for some World News…
Fashion outfit Boss are good to go with a Euro5bn sales target geared for 2025. With headquarters in Metzingen and roots firmly sewn in the Trachten style, they have a new range in time for all Oktoberfestists. Elegant velvet dirndls with fitted woollen jackets and for the ladies, a-ha ha ha, embroided lederhosen and a sharp high collar jacket. Well I don’t know about you, but I’m bang up for a bit of lederhosen casuals… aye, slap my thighs and call me a dingo (private joke)
Cargo bikes are growing in numbers over in that New York City there. 2000 are expected by 2026. They’re basically an electric bike with a big box on the back. Jonah bliss from Cubivore says, ‘brands are always looking for something that can move a package that one per cent faster.’ – It’s sad really isn’t it? I reckon we should create a start-up where everything is slowed down… pizza to go… hmmm yeah, when it’s ready… we’ll call you… snap…
Meantime, grrr, Paris is phasing out their e-scooters because they’ve become a pest. Instead they are increasingly turning to electric bikes, which will be delivered by cargo electric bikes. They are to offload their old scooters where they are still tolerated such as London, Copenhagen and Tel Aviv. While over in San Francisco they are going full 24/7 on self-drive taxis, despite them still not stopping or stopping forever at intersections and fire-fighters complaining they get in the way of emergencies. There’s a song about that isn’t there… we don’t need no EV’s let the bleep bleep burn, burn mudda bleep burn…
You can now build 18 story timber buildings in Nashville (oh, they’ll burn). That’s the city limits. It used to be 6. I’d build an 18-story pair of Tina Turner’s legs as flats. Or is that Nutbush. Confused? Try Primco’s new Nutbush diffuser, eradicates all… Timber’s great, as we know, it uses less carbon and indeed continues to store it, but managing and sourcing the supply is the trick – there you go, another slow start-up for us… COLIN…
China’s on the roam again. They’ve been allowed out en masse. The pandemic travel ban has been lifted thereby offering 70 countries to waddle around in, except Canada. Canada and China aren’t talking just now. Pre-demic the Chinese spent Euro231bn, most of it at my local 7/11 in Thailand.
Poland have got lumps of it around the back, troops that is; 300,000 they reckon by 2035. They’re pretty much Europe’s powerhouse of military might with more tanks and Howitzers than Germany. It’s them Russians see. While the Aussies are also still ramping their arms (China, free from the pandemic, no-knowing what they’ll do), up on the Redbacks, as mentioned last week and now adding 200 long range Tomahawk missiles making them only the third country after US and UK to have the 1,500km range bombs. Cost: AU$1.3bn mind, though I’m suspecting the Yanks put up most of that.
Ok in short; France is building pavements out of seashells, which holds moisture, gives aeration and stays cooler.
Spain and Portugal are going to be joined by rail for the first time by 2024 – can you believe that! Motorway, bus, and one minor regional outpost of a dinky rail. How has that never happened before?
Aussie Mundi Mundi Bush festival at a goat station out in the middle of buttfucknowhere in NSW used compostable toilets – ‘jeez, there’s a smell in here that’s gonna outlast religion’ – name that film and here’s two great stories to finish on, because I’m rushing now, my page and half self-limit is up and someone’s knocking on the door, somebody’s ringing the bell – name that tune…
Bees, yes we’re back to bee population. Aye, not the B population. Beehero is an Israeli start-up started in 2018 which equips beekeepers with sensors to monitor the health of their bees, so effectively you don’t have to open the hives to check – ‘covered in bees’ – name that sketch. Anyhoo, they now generate $64m investments and look after 350,000 hives globally, but clearly not England.
And if you’ve ever been sober enough to know you’ve been 3 sheets to the wind, look again, because freighters are going wind powered, but with only two sails – ugh!?. Yep, Mitsubishi have stuck two 37.5m high sails, which look a bit like silos cut in half and splayed like a butterfly chook, onto freighter The Pyxis Ocean, which is already bound from Singapore to Brazil with its 81,000 tonnes of cargo, cutting fuel consumption by 30%. (Somewhere below down thousands or probably Brazilians of workers are crazy peddling their wind-powered cargo bikes to keep the freighter on course)
Till next time f-f-f-folks… keep ‘em peeled
Pip pip, ding-dong and ticketyboo
Keep it turning, keep it wheel – keep it radioprimco
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