Durban’s Bread snippets (#5) – Courtroom ‘U’

Written by on 23/09/2021

Had my 2nd jab the other day (covid for those reading in the future – a conversational piece issued by the global government for folk still alive and able to afford a pint to convince everyone else down the pub they’re over talking about this subject) – on the third day, like a perfect storm, gout hit hard, a full moon sucked any water I had left in my body, storms dropped temperatures to having to wrap a blanket around freezing gouty foot, and weird sensations of nausea and extreme fatigue swept over.

Beset by almost a delirium state, that on day 4 confusion hit home. I plugged the radio (radioPrimco.com) stream back in, after the computer returned from the ‘Doctors’ for maintenance. My brain hurt, it wasn’t working, I twiddled things (nurse!), nothing, no stream, called the techy-comp-guru asking why it isn’t working… ‘have you plugged the internet in?’

It’s confusing sometimes, like this phone-dialogue between Jax and his ‘lawyer’…

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Courtroom U

A borrowed pic from the internet, but an uncanny likeness

‘Bernie. Howzit?’ He enthused, a pleasing glint in his tone.

            ‘Ya, well, howzit with you…well I hope?’

            ‘Yeah, mustn’t grumble. Que pasa?’ Jax threw nonchalantly into the mix.

Mick raised his eyes to the heavens, tutted and before turning away noted, ‘you twat’.

            ‘Que pasa, que tal? It’s Spanish; I’m trying to learn; sorry mate, what’s happening?’

            ‘Spanish eh…….’ Bernie paused momentarily to let Jax’s continental twang soak. It swirled around an unregistered department and was discarded as pointless, he then fell back into the familiarity of lawyer’s jargon. ‘Hey, COURT eh!’ he emphasised buoyantly. Silence occupied the line when Bernie spoke again, ‘Err, court eh.’ He tentatively reiterated.

            ‘Court ‘A’?’  Jax finally quizzed.

            ‘Ya, court, you numbnuts – remember me, Bernie your unpaid lawyer working out a lot of shit for you?’

‘What, you mean it’s in courtroom ‘A’?’

No you knucklehead, but it is courtroom ‘U’ – you monkey. Court eh! You with me?’

            ‘Court me-yeah I know. Then why did you say court ‘A’?’

           ‘Look, are you fucking with me, cos if you are you can go fuck yourself. You’ve got a court date, eh. You are in court ‘U’ – Courtroom ‘U’. That’s you in Courtroom ‘U’ with him, Peter fuckface, whatever his name is. Get it?’ He broke off mid-sentence so Jax could feel his lightly salted ulcer breaking its moorings.

            ‘Oh right, yeah of course.’

Another brief pause pursued.

            ‘Anyway, Thursday eh!’

            ‘Eh! Now don’t start that business again.’ Jax tugged his patience.

            ‘Look, do you want to know or not? You know, you’re not the only fucker who’s been stabbed in this fucking country. I was robbed two months ago and had to stick a bike spoke in the back of some fucker’s leg, you know that, and I’m in court myself so don’t fuck me about now, Jax’

‘Yeah, of course, sorry Bernie; I know, just got a bit confused.’

‘Right, so which court are you in, eh?’

‘Court U is me, no A… eh!’ Jax confirmed.

            ‘Fucker’ Bernie mumbled, ‘right, correct. Now listen up; Thursday morning 9:00am down at the magistrates courts, COURTROOM ‘U’ – you dickshit. I spoke to his mother and she said he’ll definitely be there.’

            ‘And they’ll definitely set a trial date this time?’

            ‘Yes, yes hopefully within a few weeks or so – definitely no longer than a month.’

            ‘Okaaay excellent, and then I’ll be able to sue, right?’

            ‘Well, yes. But let’s just take it one step at a time, eh. Like I said, get a criminal courts hearing first, that will give us better stead for a civil court. Wait to see what the outcome of this is before we start any civil proceedings, eh.’            

‘Eh!?… Okay, nice one, blinding Bernie. Hey look,’ a spasm of doubt shot through Jax whereupon he immediately regretted asking…’

Here’s the audio, equally confusing, but with my very dodgy attempt at a saffa accent, which moulds back to mine (Jax) and eventually all rolls into one, making it even more confusing…

‘Courtroom ‘U’


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Court in session… oi oi oi… what do ya mean oi oi oi… court in session

Intro – ‘Teagate‘ – Mick has a cup of tea…

Part 1 – text and audio – ‘Flying in the woods

Part 2 – Text & accompanying track – ‘Red Eyes

Part 3 – Video – ‘Jax describes his demon

Part 4 – Text, audio and accompanying track – ‘Albino Welsh Jew’

Durban’s Bread on sale here



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