It’s Time… Pt15

Written by Prim on 08/07/2022

But it’s gonna be… Fearless

Leap of Faith

Crocadliac Lake – I know, because I caught one and ate it

‘Geronimo’ Yells Cherry leaping from the back seat of the car. ‘Argh, shazbot’, she cries, as she pulls a heartilage on landing.

‘Time to get a chairlift’, me thinks, “I heard that’ she looks. We both turn away, pretending neither saw.

I now have to carry her 25kg bulk in and out of the car by grappling her round the midriff, her legs stick out straight, rigid like he’s been stuffed. I put her on the beach like that the other day then magically wiggled my fingers, ‘abracadabra, shazam, be free’ I conjured, as a puffy shifting sky slid across the perpetual blue. A sun bolt pierced the clouds weakened edges and beamed onto the vast sands, spotlighting Cherry in its ray, ‘hai carumba’ she howled and took off like Lazarus after a rabbit. A little old lady on a bench, said, ‘Oh, can you do that for me’, and Cherry chased her too.

On the mud flats… with grassy knowles
let dog see rabbit
dog gone
hair gone

Cherry dusts off her reminiscence of youth and smokes her pipe. We head home. Our village has its own micro climate. It has two dials; ‘cold’ and ‘can you feel your feet?’ Fur-lined flip-flops folks. Cherry’s paws are sun mud-baked from her trot on the puddled flats. She smells of the sea. The sea is extremely tidal on this coastline, hence the vast sands, you could seemingly walk to Ireland. If you miss that, the next stop’s America. We turn right at an offshore windmill and go to the chippy.

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Ve have ways of making ze dink

Back home our wee cottage is riddled with low flying doorways, leaving a perpetual dink on your crown. It is known as the village dink (It isn’t, but it should be). Cherry’s taken to lying flat on a skateboard propelling herself on pulley system, like Charles Bronson in the Great Escape. From the window I see she’s pulled up 50ft short of the tree line and will have to make a dash for it. I rush to motion to her, ‘Aaarrrggghhh, klumpfunkensteinen’, dinked again… those doorways, they shoot on site!

In all the excitement, I go to bed. I wear an old Rhubarbs (Well there I was…) rugby T-shirt as jimmy-jams. Over the years it has somehow stretched down to my knees. It is a nightgown. I am nurturing a sock on my head and Cherry carries the candle… ‘Upstairs downstairs, there’s a fat chance’ she sings.

Next day the oven man comes with an oven. Happy, we sit around with our feet in it. ‘Mmmm’, it smells like bacon with cheese, and just a hint of the sea. Like a cheesy bacon fish foot-finger bake. ‘We’re onto something here Cherry, quick, phone my agent. Tell her I want a cheesy bacon fish foot-finger bake forwarded by Rick Stein for Durban’s Bread. We’ll split it 50/50. We’ll be rich Cherry, rich.’

Supermarkets are void of the Prim, Cherry & Stein delight, but are mobbed with an endless variety of weird and wonderful products, it’s almost painful, except toothpaste; there be a very minimalistic choice of toothpaste. Compared to SE Asia that is. Customer service in Currys is even more limited. For a start they haven’t got any toothpaste, let alone a mild vindaloo. Cherry looks on, dismay clouds her eyes. She falls asleep.

Talking of Dad jokes, I submitted a script for a YouTube ‘thing’ the other day. It was a ‘Prim & Cherry’ bit on LIV golf in Saudi and Paul McCartney at 80 ‘thing’. They wrote back suggesting perhaps I hadn’t read the brief. I had, and watched the examples attached, which for the life of me I couldn’t work out where the joke(s) were, so I wrote another script… a Dad joke with tumbleweeds… I can’t change the font just now, so there’s no ‘script writing’ font…

crazy fool’s Newsround

With

Prim & Cherry

PRIM and CHERRY are news readers.

Cherry is a dog, a cross Collie and Thai street dog, a mongrel. Prim is aka crazy fool, a journalistic tour de force in the world of farce.

crazy fool’s Newsround takes a nonsensical view at regular news, music and pop culture.

Both Prim & Cherry live, ‘out there’ in the ether, far removed from any politically-correct world.

In this news bulletin they reflect on Wimbledon and the controversial figure of Australian ‘bad boy’ Nick Kyrgios, (kee-ree-ios). In the studio with them today is past legendary ‘bad boy’ John McEnroe.

crazy fool’s Newsround

Episode 1199967: ‘Out’

INT. TV STUDIO – NIGHT

News jingle fades – lights brighten

PRIM: In sport now and Wimbledon moves into its second week with one man on everyone’s lips; Nick Kyrgios. He has argued with umpires, argued with spectators, even spat at them, but boy has he played some tennis. But is he good for the sport… the world seems divided. It is quite literally 50/50. Could it be an age gap of opinion, between the die-hard traditionalists and the punky rebellious youth? One man who has been there and knows this territory is former Wimbledon bad boy, John McEnroe. John is with us now, and I put this to you John, are you impressed with this guy’s attitude?

(Cherry, moving only her eyes, side glances to John)

JOHN: I think his attitude is spot on. It’s the way he delivers it that has people riled. If I were him, I’d…

(Prim butts in with an inane grin)

PRIM: But John, you cannot be Kyrgios…!

(Cherry’s eyes roll, one falls out – John’s expression deadpan – tumbleweeds blow across the studio)

PRODUCER V.O: New balls please

(News jingle fades in – lights dull)

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Move along the bus, nothing to see here, let’s have a tune to distract us; this and for no reason or connection, has been my earworm this week… take it away the Zaps…